Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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