Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
