I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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