Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
