Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize