I have demons in me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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