She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
