If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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