and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
