Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
