That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just sent this text using only my big toe
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize
