Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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