It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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