I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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