Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The feeling are messing with the penis
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
