dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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