umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
