I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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