This is not my ceiling
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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