So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
