For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
