why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
