please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
