in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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