Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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