my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
