On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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