My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
