I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
