yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
