I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
