so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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