I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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