Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
