I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
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Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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