i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
