I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
