I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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