I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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