Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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