I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
