My room smells like vodka and shame
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
