i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Randomize
