I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
