you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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