Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
