Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
