tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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