I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
