Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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