I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
even my farts smell like vagina
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I am available for nakedness
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
