i think my mom watched the whole time
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
