now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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