Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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