any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
