I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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