If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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