I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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