FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
