I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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