I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
