dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
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My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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