the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
