Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
