Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
