there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
